Feel

Have you ever felt that you just love some colors, without acknowledging that why...

Mmmm... Then just step in Iivi Arrak's paints and stop and watch and feel, with all your body and eyes. It is in Drakon's gallery in Tallinn offcourse until saturday.

sometimes

This happened week or two ago. I do not really remember when. I had this confusing but awful feeling of anger and dissepointment. Sometimes you get something like this and you cannot do anything about it. It just comes over, then you cry, and cry and try to talk to someone, but no one actually understands your feelings, because no one has actually been in your shoes.

Usually the tendency which I start to think about in big despair is killing myself. That is why I am afraid of despair, because it makes me coward. I start to search my way out of life and do not think about me as if I had tragical life, I do not. I have everything I need, but I am not happy with it. It makes me feel miserable that I do not know what to do with everything that I have.

But at this moment I saw the sky so beautiful, that I understood, I love living though it is sometimes very hard to live, to love and to enjoy being. I know that I have to do more to actually love it. That I have to be more useful.

president

You have a problem and you do not know how to solve it, then you just talk about it and it will solve itself. This is the way things go. This is the way things are. Sometimes solving like this makes people angry at you and it creates more problems, but at the same time it makes you better man, when you know how to solve problems, without hurting someone.

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Artist has to hurt, has to figure out things, has to understand and stand for better world. Poet has the same thing to do.

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I went to Dragon gallery and saw Merike Estna, her question was about being artist. She asked if she was just another joker. And sometimes we have to see ourselves as jokers. We can not do anything about it, because this is the role the life has given us, and we either can take it and make it something else or we have to frow it away and take some other role. We are allways in some kind of being or having to be something we are not, but we have to be it anyways.

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The other art was Jaanus Tangsoo art in Horsehead gallery. It was intresting and intrigueing. What do people elect? Do they pick you for your smart clothes, pretty smile or your knowledge of manipulating with their desires? Do they pick your Chanell costume or Christian Dior suit or that brilliant and stupid sentence, which you said in TV when you wanted to be elected?

I mean if I could elect someone next time to be president of Estonia of U.S.A, then it would be totally naked woman with monkey's head. Or at least something like that.

control

To Ian Curtis

Get out of the train
you have lost your ticket
Get out of the pain
you have lost your feeling

Dreaming on each day
of the beautiful things
I see only rain
and some leaves on
the ground
talking silently to
dispair
giving up for names
and faces
sorting things out
in your head

Get out of the train
you have lost your ticket
get out of your pain
you have lost your feelings

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It is just like that.

Women

You cannot live with them and you cannot live without them.

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May-be it is a sign of me being gay, but I am seeing confusing and funny dreams.

Usually there are lots of pretty naked women in it. For example yesterday I saw Merle Palmiste.

Uuh...

That is strange thing.

unexpected

Sometimes I am fascinated of odd, but pretty pictures. Specially I love Edward Hopper and his women, they allways look far away, yet you can not see on the picture what are they looking. Maybe there is their strange and bad husband beating up their lovely dog or kitten, maybe they think about their last years without children, maybe they do not think at all, maybe they see out of the window this awful man killing someone with knife etc, etc. You never know, you know. It is thrilling and odd, strange and beautiful.

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And something spooky comes out of the pictures, it is like real life, where you actually can not know what happens tomorrow, or day after that, it just happens, it makes you different and sometimes beastlike things catch you, sometimes beautiful things, sometimes it is just odd and unexpected situation, where you find yourself, but inside you, you know you needed this experience.

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Horses

The most annoying thing people do (while they ask from you something important for them, like when they are in store and ask about book or clothes or what ever they need, or when they ask even about their location, when they are not local,) is CHEWing gum. Are you a horse or something! That is not polite and that IS ugly.

And that can insult anyone, who gives you any kind of serveses.

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used

I smoked some Porcelain. It was not as good as I wanted to be.

But I am not used to it.

Exposed

Oh, I found an exposed artist. That is funny blog.

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www.anartistexposed.blogspot.com

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And stuff at City gallery is too bit like artist exposing himself or herself. That is quite awful feeling.

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And yes you should go to Porcelain Smoke, if you are not coming... Then you will not have new experiance.

Head

I have to work my butt out of my head and that is hard, because my butt is pretty big.

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Jogging

Legs hurt because of yesterday's busstation. I practically jogged there, though I like walking quickly, specially with some male friend.

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Hospital

University smells like some kind of hospital. Next time I am here I will give them my liver, and maybe they will give me some knowledge or at least patience.

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I am what I am yet not, what I allow myself to be some day.

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A Halston quote: "I think fame and fortune are really a curse in a way, but yet thery´re necessary evils for success."

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You can find joy in City callery in Harju street. "Little bigs" (uuh, that sounds in English as if it is about pigs, but actually it is about birds. Beatiful flying birds).

Halston

I went to Humana and bought myself a nice dress - I think it looks as if Halston had made it. It looked cute, specially on me and I am going to wear it in theatre.

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If you come to Estonia, go to Draamateater, buy tickets for Porcelain Smoke and you will see me, with my Halston dress.

Dressing

An English version of my lfe, which is not actually very interesting. Liberary, museums and then some good literature. But I found Roland Barthes´s The Language of Fashion, and that makes my day. Though the Geogria makes some other people´s day. Let it make.

Quotes:

Dress is essentially part of the axiological order.
(7)

What can I say, when other people talk about politics - I talk about dresses. When other people talk about dresses - I talk about politics. Either way I am smart.

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Yesterday I found in the web American blog, where mister talked about fuel and it´s importance to America. I would not mind, if some things would be different in America. Not more fuel or cheaper fuel, but different lifestyle - not everyone does not have to have car - some people should just use public transport. But you know, it is America and it´s public transport.


Everyone gets weak if it depens on one thing.

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Andy Warhol used to write in 1960s in his diary: "What´s great about this country is that America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest."

And now we see the fruit of this kind of great thing.