sometimes

This happened week or two ago. I do not really remember when. I had this confusing but awful feeling of anger and dissepointment. Sometimes you get something like this and you cannot do anything about it. It just comes over, then you cry, and cry and try to talk to someone, but no one actually understands your feelings, because no one has actually been in your shoes.

Usually the tendency which I start to think about in big despair is killing myself. That is why I am afraid of despair, because it makes me coward. I start to search my way out of life and do not think about me as if I had tragical life, I do not. I have everything I need, but I am not happy with it. It makes me feel miserable that I do not know what to do with everything that I have.

But at this moment I saw the sky so beautiful, that I understood, I love living though it is sometimes very hard to live, to love and to enjoy being. I know that I have to do more to actually love it. That I have to be more useful.